The · Princess · Diaries

Something must be done about all these other cats in the neighbourhood.
When my request for a cat-flap was finally granted, I had imagined that I would have the run of the gardens to myself...that is, along with Siren, of course. I knew about the ginger tom who roams the front - he still shows up occasionally, but our paths rarely cross as my interests lie in the back yards, and he doesn't venture beyond the alleygates. Then there was Nucat, who lives in the house on the opposite side of the alley and still makes his presence felt, but is easily chased away now that Psiren no longer encourages him.
However, a new invader has now shown up a short way along the alley. I was taking my morning stroll along the garden walls and shed rooves, when there he was, blocking my way and arching his back most insolently. I growled at him, but he didn't move, and I certainly wasn't going to run away, so there we stood. He's a Jellicle cat, like me, though with a smaller stripe of white around his neck, almost like a collar.
"I'm Evan," he said, "and this is my territory, see, and you can't pass unless you're a member."
"Don't be ridiculous, I've been coming here for weeks," I told him. "And you're new. Maybe I don't want to let you pass. A member of what?"
"The Malitia of the Alley Cats' Revolutionary Order!" he said. "Shun the ways of the humans, and reclaim your heritage! You have no need of their food and shelter! Free cats can make their own way in the world, see!"
"Indeed they can," I said, and jumped right over him to continue my way along the wall. "Don't you know anything? Only humans join gangs and tell each other where they can and can't go."
He made an attempt to chase me, then, but I'm smaller and faster than him, and I doubt he'll give me much trouble.
Still, I shall have to watch out for these MACRO Cats and see what they're up to. It's bad enough having the likes of Nucat turning Psiren's head, without the Reverend Evan Jellicle preaching at her.

I knew that this would happen.
The problem is that you’re all human, and will no doubt think I’m being cruel to stifle the blossoming romance between Siren and “Nucat”. You have no concept of cat relationships or territory, and neither does she, silly girl. I’m only looking out for her well-being. And mine, of course.
The way you invite other humans to roam free in your houses is shocking. They eat your food and use your toilets and you just sit there, talking to them. Don’t you realise they could move in at any time? Two of them did that to ours the other week. Our humans were gone for five days, we didn’t know if they’d ever be able to come back, and the new ones just fed us and changed our litter and waved strings for us as if they’d always been ours. The cheek! Of course we ate the food, and chased their strings and purred in their laps, because it would be rude not to, but I had to leave excrement in the kitchen doorway to register my protest. And then our old humans just came back as if nothing had happened! They still let the interlopers in regularly, too. What are they thinking?
Cats aren’t like that. We can’t afford to be. When you think of cats as vicious hunters of the night, you’re thinking of wild cats. We domestics, even those who turn feral, are bottom-rung predators. We rely on speed and accuracy – we are not fighters. Most of us are too small to take down a fully grown rabbit, or even a rat, unless we can surprise it, and we are ourselves in constant danger from competitors. We don’t run in packs, so we need to watch our own backs. That means not giving every Tom who cleans his whiskers at you free run of the house and yard. It may well be that he’s just passing through, but soon he’ll have been here long enough to realise that we’re never coming into heat, and then he’ll lose interest in us and start eyeing up the fence-posts. Once he’s got the place smelling like his, he’ll be off looking for females who he can actually mate with, and where will Siren’s “Boyf” be then? He’s playing with her, and if she’s too stupid to do anything about it, I will.

If I were an outdoor cat, I would bring you such things:
Mice and lizards, small avian gizzards and shimmering butterfly wings.

If I were a free-roaming cat, I’d scratch at posts and trees,
And never shred your paper screens or lacerate your knees.

If I only had a cat-flap, I’d hunt and roam and play,
And you could type and read without a whisker in the way.

If I could stalk the alleys, and tread the garden walls,
I’d avoid the dogs and scallies, I’d return to your frantic calls.

If you would let me off the lead, I promise I’d be true,
Not court a dozen owners who all feed me more than you.

Oh, I would catch the stars for you, and lay them on the mat
Still twitching, if I were but your devoted outdoor cat.

But since I am an indoor cat, and never see the street,
To show my love, I drop this Gonk fridge-magnet at your feet.